As much as I’d like to forget about the girl who was essentially my first love, it still plays on my mind. But then again I think that no matter how much someone falls in love with someone, they always describe that person to be some sort of mythical creature, some divine being that has been discovered. When in fact that person could be a stepping stone to something or someone greater.
Love itself is a weird thing…. to me anyway, I’ve been practicing the art of who gives a fuck for so long, that now I’m presented with something I only saw in movies or to other people, I feel slightly clueless. I look back on things I’ve said or done and can wholeheartedly see that it was indeed my fault. But all those things that happened, happened. And what happens next in my life is up to me.
I’m thinking about the whole thing less these days, but it’s still there in the back of my mind, like some sort of cancer. But I think the whole thing defines who I am, it’s something that plays on myself as a person and I’m fine with that. I’ve learned a lot, a lot than I once knew, but I’ll still always be like the little boy lost, probably my whole life. But essentially I’ve become more aware of people’s feelings. Not just my own.
So really, I’m still looking for that fairy tale ending, whoever it may be with. Someone I already know or maybe someone I’m yet to meet, but either way I know it’ll be worth it.
Sometimes when I’m in public or around friends, and I’m surrounded by people in relationships, they make it look so easy. Connecting with another human being. It’s like no one told them it’s the hardest thing in the world.
Is their smell, I can be around a girl and they generally smell nice, and then I hate when that girl leaves my vicinity, because I don’t want to lose that smell completely,that individualistic smell. And then it reminds me of relationships, and the lovely mornings I could wake up and smell them in my sheets, and then sometimes my heart breaks all over again because I realise I most likely won’t smell that particular smell again.
And there’s the eyes, I hate making eye contact with any female, especially in conversation. Not as a bad thing, I love eyes. I just feel if I’m having a conversation with a girl and I stare into their eyes long enough, I won’t be able to help myself but lean in for the kiss everytime. And most of the time that wouldn’t be appropriate. But it’s hard, because not only am I indulged in their eyes, but in that moment leaning I get that lovely aroma of the girl, so everytime I might lean in, to me it’s like another hit, of some sort of profound drug. Insane really.
